The Purposeful Pursuit of MY HUBBY
I didn't stalk Rick, like this title could imply, nor did I pursue him by chasing him down until I landed him. Not at all. This really has nothing to do with our dating life. In fact, my story of pursuit didn't begin until well after we were married.
After two shaky years of marriage, I had to deal with a really real, and not-so-comforting, truth; this man of mine, who had convinced me he was following Christ before our wedding, wasn't. It wasn't a secret; he didn't deny it. Other people probably didn't know it because he wasn't blatantly sinning in public (or private). On the surface, we attended church, we prayed before we ate, he even prayed before we'd take a roadtrip, but he was just going through the motions out of habit. It was during this time that I realized two things: 1) Believing in God and living for God are two entirely different things. 2) I had a choice to make.
For me, believing in God wasn't enough. My perspective during those two years had a lot to do with my background. My family had no real God factor. So choosing to know, live for, and pursue a walk with God was a decision that I made for myself and my life. My decision wasn't influenced by my family; it wasn't pushed, encouraged, or modeled. It was (and is) my own. For that reason, I took Rick's decision to veer from God quite seriously. It affected me daily. I went through a myriad of emotions, and my thoughts weren't even in line with God's desires for our life. You see, I felt stuck, married to a man who would take me back to a life without the Lord, and I had lived that life. I saw desperation with no source of peace. I saw tragedy with no comforter. I saw false joys end in repeated dissatisfaction. I knew the taste of bitterness with no deliverer. I experienced that life from a little girl on, and I didn't want to revisit any of it. For that reason, I panicked. Was I stuck? How could this marriage work? Why did I do this? Was I destined to 50 more years of being the only one in my home tuned into God?
That brings me to my second realization: I had a choice to make. At the time (though I would never recommend it), it seemed like my choice was to leave or stay. So I tried both. Neither worked. Then two important things touched my spirit. 1) Prayer has power. I knew it. I had experienced it, and I wasn't doing it. 2) God wanted the BEST for me. I didn't understand that concept fully, but I did understand that the best for me was a husband serving the Lord NOW, not in fifty years, not a lifetime of anything else.
I began praying for Rick. Praying every day, at random times, at frustrating times, during the best times. I began praying, and my heart for him began changing. I remember telling God, "I don't even like him". But I prayed that God would give me a heart for him, cause me to not only like him but to love him fully. I can remember, even now, 13 years later, praying over and over for God to make me see him through His eyes, not my own.
I also grabbed ahold of the fact that God's plan for our life was so much more than I was believing. I began waking up with an expectancy, the expectancy that Rick was going to change. I knew it. There was no other option. He had to - because God's best for our family HAD to include a real, passionate, and purposeful pursuit of Christ. Every day. No exceptions. February passed, and March too, but my expectancy grew each day. I woke up with a ridiculously happy expectancy. Is today the day? It's gotta be soon! And it wasn't long. It wasn't long at all. In July of that same year, Rick did it. He began chasing after God (that's another story in itself), and every little thing and all sorts of big things began changing (all posts of their own).
And for me, I began to understand that I had a role: to pursue my hubby. I had to pursue his soul when it wasn't healthy; I had to judge his condition and pray him through it when he wasn't able to pray himself through.
Over the years, that pursuit has grown. Although I've been blessed to never have to question his pursuit of the Lord (not just because he's a pastor, but because I know and see the chase), I still find there is so much to pursue.
I have to pursue a closeness to him. We're wired differently. Rick and I don't have similar personalities, and by no means do we have similar methods of communication. I have to pursue him, figure out a way to communicate in a way that he receives it, figure out a way to pray for him when he's silent, figure out when to hold him and when to give him space. It is a delicate pursuit, and it has shifted as we've both grown and changed over the years.
I have to pursue time with him. We have 5 little ones soaking up and sometimes downright begging for our attention. Without purposefully pursuing Rick, there would be days we simply occupied the same space without saying a word. But most often, there is a sweet time each day when all the children are tucked in their beds and the night falls upon us, and we share our hearts, whether heavy or light, and find ourselves as a couple - able to set aside 'pastor', 'mom', 'dad', 'teacher', 'pastor's wife', and 'friend' - to come together once again.
This man of mine, I will forever pursue, in so many ways. I am so thankful for him. Amazing and Godly. Beyond what I need, more than I wanted. He is mine. And I am his. And the five loves above are somehow ours.
